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A special Bears in the Woods News customer service feature on customer service, for customers using services. Tests have found that if one uses a false name when calling customer service lines they will not get the information one is seeking. Eleven out of ten times this proves to be true.

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A special message from our editor-in-chief, or chief editor as they are know on the continent:

How did you get my contact details, though men at the witness protection agency said I would be untraceable. Untraceable.

Did Rory McRory-Rory send you? Tell him he's not having any more of Poppy's fingers, we've learnt our lesson, he'll get gnomes.

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In a surprising development it has been revealed that the forthcoming Star Wars The Force Awakens movie will feature a start, middle, and a climactic end. This pays a blow to fan speculation that one element might have been missing, said one fan of no fixed abode: "I was expecting there to be no ending, that the movie would go on continuously like a film by Andy Warhol. It is not very well known but Warhol was a big fan of The Force Awakens source material, though it is not known if he was cannon or non-cannon."

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After promising early results the team at SETI have announced that there were too many celestial bodies after only one thing. "Sure, they start out all nice but pretty soon they want you to send images of our valleys and wide open spaces, and asking if the Sun has any sisters," said one disappointed but romantic scientist.

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Launching the 'No-Hope Back Of A Soggy Cigarette Packet Economic Plan', the Chancellor called on opposition Members of Parliament to vote for his plans as his own party had disowned the policy. A senior economist explained the 'No-Hope Plan' to Bears In The Woods News after he stopped laughing.

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A recent academic study has found that academics study. There has been rumour of a real-world application of the results, though it was further found that further research needed to be undertaken to further the links between real-world scenarios and academics who study.

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A Special Bears In the Woods Special Feature: Inspired by getting one or sometimes more questions right when watching the BBC's Mastermind, University Challenge, and Only Connect, Mr Shelley Surely Shirley has announced they will be entering round one of Mastermind with what they hope is masterful specialist subject. "I am spending my time learning the answers in the subject 'questions where the answer is the greatest defeat in naval history'," Surely Shirley said. On test runs of ten questions, the record for Surely Shirley has been five correct answers, two passes and four incorrect responses.

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Government minister admits that the use of derogatory language to describe groups of people is on the increase, but added: "You have to understand these people are not like you and me, these voters - I am not sorry that I have to use that term, Mx - have values contrary to our values, they want equality, they want fairness, I, and my fellow ministers, will not these voters swarm ordinary, exploited people with these ideals, the government in which I am a minister will continue to keep its foot pressed hard on the faces of everyone in this land." The minister was later found to be on transmit rather than receive.

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Road safety tells us that the man who can't obey speed limits in built-up areas or simple traffic signage is the most trustable man around. Follow that man, folks, as Homer said, he ain't never going home.